I haven't learned a thing. I might as well be sixteen years old again, seeing this for the first time. The whole of life is contained in the story and songs; all for the taking. And I thought I did take it. I listened to the album uncountable times, pondering on the lyrics, the lessons. But, here I am again, pondering the same words, wondering why I'm still such a neophyte. I had them practically memorized, so why are they hitting me so hard now, like lightning strikes of awareness? I have to figure this out...What's right or wrong, where I belong
Within the scheme of things
As a teenager I sang along to these words, wanting to really know and here I am a grown woman, still asking the same questions. And these as well:And why have eyes that see and arms that reach
Unless you're meant to know there's something more
If not to hunger for the meaning of it all
Then tell me what a soul is for?
I know these are big questions, but I've been on the planet for a good amount of time now. It's aggravating not knowing if I'm making any headway with them.
Hmmm, these next words give me comfort, for time has given me more moments, gifts to know that I'm not where I was, because I am acquiring experiences. I will always remember this chair, that window
The way the light streams in
The clothes I'm wearing, the words I'm hearing
The faces I'm seeing, the feeling I'm feeling
The smell, the sound, will be written on my mind
Will be written in my heart as long as I live
I believed in these next ones tenuously, for sixteen is an uncertain age by right, and so they became a pale promise.I've wanted the shadows, I don't anymore
No matter what happens, I won't anymore
I've run from the sunlight, afraid it saw too much
The moon had the one light
I bathed in, I walked in, I held in my feelings
And closed every door
No matter what happens
I can't anymore
But, not having conviction behind that promise, I lost them for a while and as I hear them again tonight, I mourn that loss. I'm not afraid anymore, like I was then, so when the next part comes, my promise now is much bolder:For too many mornings, the curtains were drawn
It's time they were opened to welcome the dawn
A voice deep inside is getting stronger
I can't keep it quiet any longer
No matter what happens
It can't be the same anymore
I promise it won't be the same, anymore
Whew, there is hope for me yet!!
Oh, this next one hits especially hard. And, it's difficult to explain. Suffice it to say, I'm trying to learn that I too get to say, "So am I." She's mother, she's sister,
She's the wonder of wonders
No man can deny.
So why would he change her?
She's loving-she's tender-
...So am I.
The last song, I could quote all the words, really. It's so full of wonder. I think I posted it somewhere before, but if you don't mind a little spoileriness, it's well worth a listen.
So why am I still such a beginner? The answer is in the song.The more I live, the more I learn
The more I learn, the more I realize, the less I know.
Or as the Rabbi said, "It's by their questions that we choose our students, not only by their answers." I guess, I'm a life long student!
This has been a very useful exercise. If you've read along, you have a lot of patience for my need to process. Thank you.