Author Topic: Another Year  (Read 4582 times)

MartinTeller

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Re: Another Year
« Reply #20 on: November 29, 2012, 08:06:28 AM »
I don't have anything to say because Totoro is all over the place.  He says one thing, he says the total opposite.  How do you respond to that?  He's clearly floundering to be "right".

Bondo

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Re: Another Year
« Reply #21 on: November 29, 2012, 08:15:34 AM »
Sandy, Oldkid, Martinteller, - are you still friends with people who committed adultery or tried to make moves on your kids?

Can I take this as a serious hypothetical rather than a derogatory one? Because I'm not sure why one would be expected to cast out anyone just because they committed adultery or because they made basic overtures on a well into adulthood son. Odds are I am still friends with someone who committed adultery as I know more than one married person. I feel like someone who would make a blanket statement about not being able to be friends with someone who has committed adultery doesn't have a mature understanding of adult relationships. Maybe you don't remain close to someone who cheated on someone you are even closer to out of loyalty, but there's no reason it needs to leave an automatic moral scar, the proverbial scarlet letter.

But then I don't interpret the film as suggesting anything close to what you seem to feel it suggests about Mary.

1SO

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Re: Another Year
« Reply #22 on: November 29, 2012, 09:15:14 AM »
Thank you Bondo. I stayed out of this because I take each situation on a case by case basis and don't make strict judgements based on generalities. I've been friends with drug users, sex addicts and yes, adulterers. And anyone whose been in a relationship has made the move on somebody's kid. Just sayin'. My in laws don't mind one bit.

MartinTeller

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Re: Another Year
« Reply #23 on: November 29, 2012, 09:43:12 AM »
My in-laws are staying with us now, actually.  I get along with them splendidly (except for their politics) so I guess they don't mind that I "made moves" on their daughter.  Is it only unsuccessful making-the-moves-on that's supposed to make us hate them forever and ever?

Oh, and my wife cheated on her first husband (not with me... long before I met her), so I suppose you could say I'm pretty friendly with an adulteress.

Sandy

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Re: Another Year
« Reply #24 on: November 29, 2012, 10:23:55 AM »
Hey Totoro,

I think I've misunderstood  some of what you've been trying to communicate with me and will try and remember to be more aware of that possibility in the future. Not being understood is a frustrating place to be. I'm not offended by your question, because it seems to come from a real desire to make sense of things. I'll start there...

It's my job to protect my kids and I take it very seriously, but the operative word is kids. By the time they become adults, I'd step back to let them live their lives. I've not seen Another Year since last January (I should have prefaced my earlier comments with that information.), so cannot provide as clear a memory as I'd like for this kind of discussion. How privy were Tom and Gerri to Mary's and Joe's past? Again, I'm not sure it matters one way or another if they were two consenting adults.

I would have a friend who committed adultery and I do. I don't have a criteria for friends--I'm not sure how that would work actually. I think part of what the disconnect is, is what constitutes friendship? My ideas of what friendship is and what I'd like friendship to be is probably very different from you and others. In fact, it's even different than what my friends believe friendship is. I have friends who think coming to visit with me and chit-chatting is the most restful and enjoyable way to spend their time. I, on the other hand find it to be the worst! They're rejuvenated and I'm left empty. Not all friends do that to me, but the one's that seem to need my time like that do. It's that old difference between getting your energy from people or getting your energy from time alone. So the question is, do you stop being friends? They're good people and interaction is healthy. My way to handle it, is to be cautious and know my limits and understand that friendship comes in many forms. One reason I love this place is that forum friends are completely restful to me. It's my kind of friendship.

As for misunderstanding you before, it is that I thought you believed Tom and Gerri were not being accommodating, accepting and compassionate enough to their two lonely friends. I was pushing back on that because of my own struggles with being drained by friendship. You may be telling me that their friendship is neither in nor out and you believe friendship needs to be more of an active concrete entity, so it leaves you with the feeling that they're indifferent. In that case you may be right about their actions. I relate to that journey to indifference, so it doesn't bother me, it validates me. Funny how a movie can give people completely different experiences? And isn't it wonderful?
"Don't be shy. You learn to fly and see the sun when day is done. If only you see."

Bondo

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Re: Another Year
« Reply #25 on: November 29, 2012, 11:16:09 AM »
For the record, here's what my rewatch review had to say about Tom and Gerri:

Quote
The first time around I saw Tom (Jim Broadbent) and Gerri (Ruth Sheen) as a tandem that could do no wrong. This time around they seem a bit less benevolent. I donít think they do anything actively mean, but they are humans with flaws that lead them to be a bit judgmental or annoyed in their private moments, things that they tend to disguise when with company. It is interesting watching Gerri acting as a counselor and being pretty tough or pointed in trying to get her patient Janet (Imelda Staunton) to open up a bit to get to the source of her insomnia and then burying that kind of directness with her friends. Tom is much more likely to say the blunt statement. It seems that they play host to visits from Mary (Lesley Manville) and Ken (Peter Wight) more out of pity than compassion.

Gerri seems to be able to compartmentalize her workplace role and her friend role. And considering in the end they kind of abandon their struggling friends when the burden gets too high, we have to remember that they don't have a professional obligation to totally disrupt their lives in support of their friends. They are entitled to protect a level of happiness in their own right.

oldkid

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Re: Another Year
« Reply #26 on: November 29, 2012, 11:18:05 AM »
I have accepted people's friendship who did worse than Mary.   I'm good with that.

But I think this whole discussion misses the point of the film.  T and G trust their son enough to make wise decisions about who he goes out with.  He did not choose Mary, and they trusted that choice. 

Perhaps it is enough to say, Totoro, that we see this issue differently than you do, and we see their relationship differently.  As long as you appreciate the film, that's what's important.
"It's not art unless it has the potential to be a disaster." Bansky

verbALs

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Re: Another Year
« Reply #27 on: November 29, 2012, 11:45:55 AM »
In fact, it's even different than what my friends believe friendship is. I have friends who think coming to visit with me and chit-chatting is the most restful and enjoyable way to spend their time. I, on the other hand find it to be the worst! They're rejuvenated and I'm left empty. Not all friends do that to me, but the one's that seem to need my time like that do. It's that old difference between getting your energy from people or getting your energy from time alone. So the question is, do you stop being friends? They're good people and interaction is healthy. My way to handle it, is to be cautious and know my limits and understand that friendship comes in many forms.
This is such an open honest statement I wanted to support you in it. I might phrase it slightly differently, as in, I tend to think of people you small-talk with or are drinking buddies as acquaintances; whereas "friend" is a higher level of relationship altogether, but I understand wherefore thou comest from.
I used to encourage everyone I knew to make art; I don't do that so much anymore. - Banksy

Sandy

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Re: Another Year
« Reply #28 on: November 29, 2012, 12:17:59 PM »
This is such an open honest statement I wanted to support you in it. I might phrase it slightly differently, as in, I tend to think of people you small-talk with or are drinking buddies as acquaintances; whereas "friend" is a higher level of relationship altogether, but I understand wherefore thou comest from.

 :)

You speaketh my language.

Friendship is a difficult concept to define, especially since small talk can take a direction into something real (espcially if I'm in the room asking questions :). I can't help it. At some point small talk drives me crazy.), but not everyone wants to go there or is able, so it leaves a lot of variance when trying to categorize friendship. You are right about meaningful friendship being a distinct step up. Those are the keepers.
« Last Edit: November 29, 2012, 12:25:13 PM by Sandy »
"Don't be shy. You learn to fly and see the sun when day is done. If only you see."

verbALs

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Re: Another Year
« Reply #29 on: November 29, 2012, 12:33:35 PM »
Yes and going "deep" is very off-putting/ upsetting to a lot of people. So returning to this film, it is difficult to blame anybody if, at some point, they want to put up their hand and say "I don't want to hear any more of this personal s.....tuff". In this case, one person's reliance on another as a "friendly ear" they can pour their troubles into, might, to the other party, be a matter of time before they have had enough and switched off. Chiefly, it's Mary's lack of self-awareness in this area, that Leigh nails the most distinctly. Blame Mike Leigh for being so callously unambiguous on this point.

{Also remember that its culturally ingrained that "minding your own business" has the corollary of "don't bore people with your own troubles, it's bad manners". Which reminds of the old saying "I don't like that bloke. When I ask him how he is....HE TELLS ME!}
« Last Edit: November 29, 2012, 12:35:25 PM by verbALs »
I used to encourage everyone I knew to make art; I don't do that so much anymore. - Banksy