Can't see anywhere to write creatively, so I'm co-opting your vehicle Colonel sir!
"Hey, I phoned a few times, she isn't there or not answering, and I'm definitely not leaving an answer phone message about this"
"She works late then takes her boy to football, I don't think she's working tomorrow, try her then"
"I think three times is enough, if she wants to call back that's fine, but that's enough hard work from me. Look when you speak to her, just tell her that I'm apologising for being a .......I don't want to swear. What's a clean word for it......idi-"
"-ot. Hey there's no need to join in. I'm beating myself up here, there's no need to help with the kicking."
"But you have been unreasonable. All this time you've been ignoring her, stopping her from seeing the kids. She really misses them"
"Well that's really terrible, maybe I should apolog..... Oh hang on. I WAS apologising. It was such a great idea, I had it first."
"I've thought that for years..."
"Let me finish your sentence; "but you wouldn't have listened?"
"Yes exactly, smartarse"
"So now you think I'm listening you want to tell me I was wrong all this time. I can stop listening just as quickly again......I'm joking. I'm done with all that nonsense. Nothing has to come out of this apology, I'm not expecting to become best buddies from this distance, but at least I've done the right thing."
"Yes eventually. Have you had satisfaction? Are there any other colourfully descriptive words that you've been saving up to tell me, once you could be sure you had a captive audience."
"You're not dying are you?"
"No. It's only this conversation that's killing me."
"So why now?"
"Why not now?"
"and YOU are hard work."
"I like that word better. Can we settle on my main characteristic as being "hilarious"? Unreasonable, won't help me pick up girls."
"Tell her I'm sorry OK"
"That's where you came in"
"and that's all I can say. Bye for now. Cya soon."
"Bye dear. Take care"