Author Topic: Dating/Relationships  (Read 2591 times)

colonel_mexico

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Re: Dating/Relationships
« Reply #30 on: August 25, 2020, 11:14:37 PM »
I'm a newly-wed, just completed one orbit around the sun, and also with a number of years of experiencing everything I did not want in a relationship, I've found that its best to just be myself.  Often that funny idea of being super cool and funny all the time didn't work out when I tried too hard. I actually have known my wife a long time, we were just friends and that has been a really great way to approach the relationship and our eventual marriage (we've been together over 6 years). We do not share the same general taste in film or even tv shows, but there are some commonalities that make date night fun and I don't mind watching some of the things I would not otherwise watch.  She too takes on adventures of things like a weird Cohen brothers film, even though it isn't her cup of tea.  We do love Wes Anderson and Taiki Watiti.  She is very thrifty, I am a spender, she is very neat, I am messy, so the opposites attract thing is legit, BUT living together has required a good deal of compromise and maturing on my part. A longtime bachelor has made me quite selfish and in order for this to all work out I needed to really get outside of myself and try to be a good friend and partner, after all a marriage is a partnership. 

Guess long story short is, don't give up, maybe the differences will be helpful or they won't and you will get the experience and gain some knowledge about yourself.  If it doesn't work out don't feel bad or down, its better to realize on the front end/early on that its not going to work instead of forcing it because you feel like this is it (believe me I've done that too and it has always ended poorly). 
"What do you want me to do draw you a picture?! Spell it out?! Don't ever ask me, as long as you live don't ever ask me more!"

Dave the Necrobumper

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Re: Dating/Relationships
« Reply #31 on: August 26, 2020, 02:50:34 AM »
We got into interests and it seemed like we diverged a lot there. She seemed more concerned about it than I did as I straight up said I didn't think it would be a big deal if we didn't like the same shows/movies/books, etc. Curious what the married/long-term relationship people think about this. I've tried super hard to not make my identity the media person since getting out of school and I wonder if maybe I'm over-correcting. We like a couple of the same shows but beyond that I'd pitch something and she'd shoot it down pretty consistently. We do both like Lady Bird. Thanks Mrs. Gerwig.

I think if you are both willing to explore the divergent tastes should not be an issue. My wife and I have completely different senses of humour, which in itself has become a joke between us. Further she does not find Monty Python funny (weird!!!!). We generally have several different interests, but there are some common ones, we can bond over those, but also bore each other talking about what one is interested in that the other is not (to be honest I am the one who does the boring talking). The differences also give us a chance to have time apart, which is also great. Some may not like that, but many people I know also enjoy that time apart as well.

Bondo

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Re: Dating/Relationships
« Reply #32 on: August 26, 2020, 08:13:36 AM »
Applicable to this thread, I finished watching Love on the Spectrum on Netflix this month. It's interesting to watch other people on the spectrum in dates (though clearly the fact it is being filmed seems to greatly alter the nature of it). One issue I have on my own dates is not being great at reading body language. But I was perfectly able to read body language in these dates. The issue is I can't both read the body language and exist in the conversation. The two at once is too much. I'm not sure how to get around that...I tend not to buy into/appreciate arguments that you can essentially practice your way out of autism, which is often what advice sounds like.

On the one hand, watching it made me feel better about myself...not in a schadenfreude kind of way, but just in recognizing that it is a really difficult thing and I've probably been more successful romantically than the average person on the spectrum (though statistics are tricky because probably the most successful people who would be diagnosed blend into society enough that either they are never diagnosed or at least are less likely to be attached to autism groups where they might be included in statistics). It can certainly be useful to get out of the habit of comparing myself those with neurotypical privilege. Though putting myself in this group with a very low rate of romantic attachment can also make it feel hopeless.

One thing I'm pondering is in the show, basically all the dating is within the autistic community. That isn't something I've overtly tried. I am trying in the general public. That said, the person I've felt was the best prospective partner was, after we went on dates, formally diagnosed, and I think 1-2 others I've dated were possibly on the spectrum. I suppose maybe one result of the low rate of relationships is once you are in your late 30s, a higher percentage of the single people are likely to be on the spectrum. Anyway, maybe this suggests I should be looking more specifically into events for people on the spectrum...though depending on traits some people on the spectrum are too much for me. The show very much believed in the "more things in common means better" which I am not entirely convinced of, and whether being on the spectrum is a good thing to have in common would definitely depend on how in manifests for those two individuals.

Sam the Cinema Snob

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Re: Dating/Relationships
« Reply #33 on: August 26, 2020, 08:50:45 AM »
Dating is already bad enough so I can't even imagine. I'm glad you aren't restricting yourself, though. I feel like a lot of people put these self-imposed boundaries or think of people as out of their league or that they have a type they have to end up with. I would think being on the spectrum would probably be something that a partner would at least need to understand, but the idea that you'd have to share that in common seems a bit much.
"It's all research." -roujin

Sam the Cinema Snob

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Re: Dating/Relationships
« Reply #34 on: August 30, 2020, 02:49:43 PM »
I meant to update here but life got in the way. I messaged her the next day and asked about maybe doing something in a week or two. She said she didn't want to force something that wasn't there. We wished each other well in our future dating endeavours. I'm obviously a bit bummed but after not finding much common ground on the first date I was more on the side of this not working out but I'll give it at least one more shot. Since she's not receptive to that I can move on.

I will say that this has made me want to put myself out there more. I've not done a date with a woman in years so I need to get out there and practice. I kinda like the video date more than going out because I hate the time and money investment when it's clear after five minutes it probably isn't going anywhere. At least with online you can spare yourself a lot of time and money.
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Eric/E.T.

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Re: Dating/Relationships
« Reply #35 on: August 30, 2020, 10:52:13 PM »
I kind of feel like you in the investment side...I could spend a few dollars on it, I'm OK, not getting ahead but OK, but I also think my life is good as it is. Would finding a partner make it even better? I can't deny my social instincts to say "Yes", but I don't know.
Just because a person has never walked in my shoes, that doesnít mean they canít gravitate to the art. - Mach-Hommy

A witty saying proves nothing. - Voltaire

Sam the Cinema Snob

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Re: Dating/Relationships
« Reply #36 on: August 30, 2020, 10:58:35 PM »
Not gonna lie, main interest in finding a partner is to eventually start a family. It's something I've wanted and I'd like to start sooner than later. I do think there might be something to the companionship but honestly I enjoy being by myself a lot and have felt from a young age that I could spend my entire life without getting married. People say that's usually when you find someone, but that has been my entire adult life. I've asked out a handful of women only because I thought there might be something there but I honestly never felt like I needed to have someone else in my life to be a whole person.
"It's all research." -roujin

Eric/E.T.

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Re: Dating/Relationships
« Reply #37 on: August 30, 2020, 11:24:58 PM »
I'd like both, companionship and family. I'm introverted and would need my space. That said, between ages, say 22-35, I was in a variety of different types of relationships, like a lot and for varying spans of time, and with some really fantastic women who accepted both my need for alone time (at least in concept, some of them struggled with the reality) and my mental health conditions.. I CINECAST!ed up 90% of them. If I had the mindset then of not expecting too much from someone, not overpromising, and working overtime on my mental health, I'd probably be married with 2-3 children right now. I often blame it all on the bipolar and GAD, but to be honest, the forms I have are moderate-at-worst and if I were more cognizant of my mood day-to-day, they're not a good excuse. Or are they? It's something I struggle with. I don't even know if I would've been happier married and with children. Maybe it'd be terrible.

Ages 35-38 have been a terrible dry spell where I've lost interest in romance, sex, whatever. It's weird because I moved from a small place (Yuma) to a largely populated area in Phoenix, but I had so much more luck just dating, hooking up, etc. over there. The pandemic has been so extreme with the social isolation that I think I want to go out more and spend time with people and just see if a relationship sparks up spontaneously as it always had when I was more social and had more friends. I'm starting to build up a base of friends here, though they are all dudes right now, so maybe I can steer is in the route of going out more (as opposed to hours-long Smash Bros. Ultimate fests every Friday).
Just because a person has never walked in my shoes, that doesnít mean they canít gravitate to the art. - Mach-Hommy

A witty saying proves nothing. - Voltaire