love

Author Topic: I just need to whimper  (Read 193753 times)

Sam the Cinema Snob

  • Objectively Awesome
  • ******
  • Posts: 26795
Re: I just need to whimper
« Reply #1020 on: March 08, 2013, 03:46:24 PM »
There's nothing to keep me from applying against next year, although I imagine I would have to do a lot in the next year to get accepted given the fact I've been almost unanimously rejected so far.

saltine

  • Administrator
  • Godfather
  • ******
  • Posts: 9800
Re: I just need to whimper
« Reply #1021 on: March 08, 2013, 10:17:24 PM »
Sam,you already know the part about the shut door and the open window so I'll just say that I'm sorry your first choice didn't work out.
Texan Down Under

oldkid

  • Objectively Awesome
  • ******
  • Posts: 19044
  • Hi there! Feed me worlds!
Re: I just need to whimper
« Reply #1022 on: April 10, 2013, 03:52:47 PM »
I have a friend and housemate who is in ICU.  He is old before his time (he's 67) because of living on the street for so long and other issues, and us in the house talked about the possibility of dying sometime.  I thought I was prepared, but I'm really not.

If he had just dropped dead, or not woken up one day, I was ready for that.  But death doesn't seem to work that way anymore.  I've had dozens of my friends die, but usually it is sudden, or they make choices to (basically) end their lives by their actions.  Mike wasn't like that, neither was Rick who was in my house last year.  And death isn't sudden, but a long, drawn out process.  When we have hope and very, very gradually, that hope is dashed until we realize that they will linger, as different people, and just fade away, as completely different people than who they were the rest of their lives.

Not only that, but I find myself (as a pastor of people who are often estranged from their family) making life and death choices that family should be doing.  I'm not complaining about this so much as realizing that I am not emotionally prepared to deal with this.  Almost all of us have to make these kinds of choices for our parents as they grow older, but to have this long-term grief, and anger, and being "wise" (or at least boldly faking it) for many people is too difficult for anyone.

I remember a few years ago wishing that family didn't have as much power over people they didn't really know.  I've had family call me and tell me that they were glad that their homeless family member was dead.  I've had family call me and blame me for their deaths because I didn't force them to make better choices.   Family like that shouldn't really be making life and death decisions.  On the other hand, the burden of making these choices, and not knowing if one has the right to make these decisions, as well as wondering if I'm smart enough or wise enough or worthy to make such choices. 

Especially when I am struggling deeply with the ethical issues that our increased medicine gives us.  More and more often choices have to be made for people who are mentally incapacitated.  We-- family members or otherwise-- are asked "what would they chose in this situation?", and there is, of course, no answer, unless they have a living will.   They haven't been in this situation before.  And hardly anyone talks to their friends about what they would want if they were going to live their lives in a lower mental capacity for the rest of their lives.  It's all guesswork.

Sorry, just rambling.  Not looking for answers.  I guess I'm just processing my grief, and as a pastor there's very few venues to vent.
"It's not art unless it has the potential to be a disaster." Bansky

Monty

  • Elite Member
  • ****
  • Posts: 4375
  • "There is only one ball, so you need to have it."
    • TheMontyTweets
Re: I just need to whimper
« Reply #1023 on: April 10, 2013, 06:37:15 PM »
Hi oldkid, I sorry to hear about this. The only experience I have of this is of my grandfather (my mom's dad) who hung on (grimly) until he had seen all of his children (told them he was ok, ready to meet their mother), tried to make sure everything was in order, then he passed rather quickly, he was in his nineties at the time though. Maybe this is the same sort of scenario with your houseguest, he's hoping to make some final connection with his family before he passes over. Have you tried to contact his family?


"And then it just becomes an industry of...cool."

AAAutin

  • Elite Member
  • ****
  • Posts: 4186
Re: I just need to whimper
« Reply #1024 on: April 10, 2013, 06:45:25 PM »
I guess I'm just processing my grief, and as a pastor there's very few venues to vent.

Hey, man, you've earned the right; and especially in our current cultural era of mundane self-martyrdom, you have more right than most.

Sandy

  • Objectively Awesome
  • ******
  • Posts: 12075
  • "The life we build, we never stop creating.”
    • Sandy's Cinematic Musings
Re: I just need to whimper
« Reply #1025 on: April 10, 2013, 07:17:56 PM »
Yes, process away oldkid. I don't have any answers, except, be kind to yourself. Whatever choices you make, I know they will be good ones. Even though it doesn't take away your burdens, know I'm/we're listening.

oldkid

  • Objectively Awesome
  • ******
  • Posts: 19044
  • Hi there! Feed me worlds!
Re: I just need to whimper
« Reply #1026 on: April 10, 2013, 08:38:52 PM »
It made me feel just to write it out and know that someone was listening.  Thanks, folks.

Monty, I am desperately trying to get a hold of his family-- he has a daughter, and no one knows her name or anything about her other than she has a son and lives locally.  He didn't put her as "next of kin" on his medical forms a couple years ago, so I don't know what that means.
"It's not art unless it has the potential to be a disaster." Bansky

Lobby

  • Elite Member
  • ****
  • Posts: 2762
    • The Velvet Café
Re: I just need to whimper
« Reply #1027 on: April 11, 2013, 01:46:21 AM »
@Oldkid: Last night I watched Mea Maximus Culpa: Silence in the House of God.

I don't know if you've seen it; it's about the sexual abuse of children and the cover-up of it in the Catholic church. And I was absolutely sickened by it. It made me feel at loss about what to think of the entire Catholic church and somehow this started to shade my view on Christianity as such.

Then I read your post, once again mirroring your concerns, your compassion, the way you don't just preach the word but live it. It felt like a remedy, restoring something of what had been lost watching that documentary. What you share here makes a difference.

Thank you.
http://thevelvetcafe.wordpress.com/  - where I think aloud about movies

oldkid

  • Objectively Awesome
  • ******
  • Posts: 19044
  • Hi there! Feed me worlds!
Re: I just need to whimper
« Reply #1028 on: April 11, 2013, 08:56:15 AM »
I haven't watched that doc, but I have watched Deliver Us From Evil, which covers the same subject, particularly in California.   The Catholic Church has much to answer for.  However, that same church has helped literally millions of people escape the worst of poverty.  It's a mixed bag, as is all Christianity.

Which is why, although I must shamefacedly admit that I am a Christian, I much more readily associate with Jesus.  I'd rather be not a Christian with Jesus than to be a "normal" Christian. 

But now we are heading into Religion thread territory.  Thanks, Lobby.
"It's not art unless it has the potential to be a disaster." Bansky

Antares

  • Godfather
  • *****
  • Posts: 5013
Re: I just need to whimper
« Reply #1029 on: April 11, 2013, 10:04:54 AM »
I remember a few years ago wishing that family didn't have as much power over people they didn't really know.  I've had family call me and tell me that they were glad that their homeless family member was dead.  I've had family call me and blame me for their deaths because I didn't force them to make better choices.   Family like that shouldn't really be making life and death decisions.  On the other hand, the burden of making these choices, and not knowing if one has the right to make these decisions, as well as wondering if I'm smart enough or wise enough or worthy to make such choices. 

But at least you're making an effort to enrich these people's lives and are showing a level of care that their real families can't or won't attempt to achieve.
Masterpiece (100-91) | Classic (90-80) | Entertaining (79-69) | Mediocre (68-58) | Cinemuck (57-21) | Crap (20-0)

 

love