I have a friend and housemate who is in ICU. He is old before his time (he's 67) because of living on the street for so long and other issues, and us in the house talked about the possibility of dying sometime. I thought I was prepared, but I'm really not.
If he had just dropped dead, or not woken up one day, I was ready for that. But death doesn't seem to work that way anymore. I've had dozens of my friends die, but usually it is sudden, or they make choices to (basically) end their lives by their actions. Mike wasn't like that, neither was Rick who was in my house last year. And death isn't sudden, but a long, drawn out process. When we have hope and very, very gradually, that hope is dashed until we realize that they will linger, as different people, and just fade away, as completely different people than who they were the rest of their lives.
Not only that, but I find myself (as a pastor of people who are often estranged from their family) making life and death choices that family should be doing. I'm not complaining about this so much as realizing that I am not emotionally prepared to deal with this. Almost all of us have to make these kinds of choices for our parents as they grow older, but to have this long-term grief, and anger, and being "wise" (or at least boldly faking it) for many people is too difficult for anyone.
I remember a few years ago wishing that family didn't have as much power over people they didn't really know. I've had family call me and tell me that they were glad that their homeless family member was dead. I've had family call me and blame me for their deaths because I didn't force them to make better choices. Family like that shouldn't really be making life and death decisions. On the other hand, the burden of making these choices, and not knowing if one has the right to make these decisions, as well as wondering if I'm smart enough or wise enough or worthy to make such choices.
Especially when I am struggling deeply with the ethical issues that our increased medicine gives us. More and more often choices have to be made for people who are mentally incapacitated. We-- family members or otherwise-- are asked "what would they chose in this situation?", and there is, of course, no answer, unless they have a living will. They haven't been in this situation before. And hardly anyone talks to their friends about what they would want if they were going to live their lives in a lower mental capacity for the rest of their lives. It's all guesswork.
Sorry, just rambling. Not looking for answers. I guess I'm just processing my grief, and as a pastor there's very few venues to vent.