It may be a matter of circumstance, but you are the first people I am telling this to at present.
I am in the midst of having a mental breakdown. I come home every day torn apart, losing more self confidence and self worth by the day. I have gone beyond a point of stress in student teaching to developing a feeling of worthlessness, which has caused me great distress about my future. This is coupled with my finally facing the social deficiencies I have developed over the years, which have resulted in paranoia, constant anxiety, devout cynicism, and mild depression. I am going to be talking with my mom about this likely in an hour, but I need to start re-evaluating my life. I know what brings me joy, and I am being incredibly self centered in thinking that I have it bad by any means. But these feelings have weighed on my mind so much that I have started inadvertently causing physical pain to myself. Not directly, but I find myself unable to eat most days, I find full nights of sleep even harder to get, and there are days where I do not feel like going forward. I need serious retooling of my life, and reevaluation. I know I am not meant to teach, though I hardly know what I am meant to do, but it cannot be that, and I may feel like I am running away from life, life is shitty, but I need to do what is going to keep me healthy, I suppose.
I do not know if this means seeking self help, professional help, medical help, or more likely a combination of the three. I don't know if I'll be on here more or less. I'll get to dictations, but I can't keep doing what I'm doing, it's not healthy. I need a lot of work, and it will be a long road, but I feel I have squandered so many years of my life, and now that is beginning to negatively affect those around me, and I can't let that happen, and I can't continue to be who I am.
And I'm sorry, sorry to everyone.